She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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