He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
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Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
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let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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