I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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