Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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