My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
