saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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