I look better un-naked...
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
