I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
