can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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