I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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