what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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