Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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