You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
