By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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