i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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