i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
