I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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