I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
