Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Randomize
