my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
