I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
