That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You should frame my arrest warrant.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
