Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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