The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
