Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
