a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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