i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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