so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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