You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
