Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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