Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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