Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
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