i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
two words...techno handjob
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
