Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Randomize
