I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
