his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
