Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
