So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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