Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
