We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
