Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
