So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I need help removing her.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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