everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
