I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
