The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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