I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
