Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
