I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
