Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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