Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Can you repeat that, but with context?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
