I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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