i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Your shirt... Was in my pants
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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