New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
