I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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